I am not the most prolific blogger, in case you couldn’t tell. As usual, life has a way to getting in the way of good intentions. I have been pondering this idea of life being a spiral for a while now. Like most ideas for my blogs, this thought really came to me as a bit of an epiphany. It’s like you are out mowing the lawn one day and get this fantastic insight into achieving world peace or something. Ok, my blog is not going to bring about world peace, but if it does bring a bit of peace to your own soul or at least give you some food for thought, I think that makes the effort to blog worth it.
It wasn’t long ago that I was feeling frustrated and angry at myself. My sense, at the time, was that I was repeating an old pattern. As I have said in one of my previous blogs, I come from a very traditional religious background. Back in 2008 I had a massive paradigm shift. I was sitting in church one day when a voice in my head (loudly) said, “I can’t do this anymore.” I left the church with no real plans to return. Let me just be clear, I left church but not God. If anything, leaving church made me more determined in defining what “God” is for me and how it fits into the big picture of my life. The fact of the matter is I have done this many times before. Throughout my late teens into my adult years there was this underlying sense that I was missing something, there was some thing out there that I needed to find that would make my life make sense. I would get a break from it for awhile, throw myself into church but then I would feel this restlessness take hold.
I would drift away from church, then come back months or years later. I would follow this pattern over and over. Each time I would come back and think if I just tried harder, had a bit more faith, this thing that drove me in and out of church would go away but it never really did. This last time felt different though. I honestly never pictured myself going back. Going back would be a step back not forward. Imagine my surprise a few months ago when that old sense of restlessness took hold and I found myself being drawn back to church. It felt overwhelming, like a wave that I was drowning in. I missed the people, the sense of community, I missed the “culture” of church, I missed the music, the bible study, all of it. Even though it often left me feeling empty and frustrated, there was a longing for it. I was not happy about it. I was taking a step backwards. How did I get here? Why was this happening? On a lovely Saturday morning as I was mowing the lawn, I had what is properly known as the light bulb moment.
At that moment I saw an image of a spiral. In that moment, I realized that I could not take a step back even if I wanted to. I could not take a step back because there was nothing to step back to. I was walking the spiral and each ring of the spiral simply meant a new cycle. I could literally feel my energy shift and for the first time in weeks, I could take a deep breath. In those few moments in my backyard, the image of the spiral changed my whole perspective about my past and the future. I also realized that there are not “mistakes” in life, only opportunities.
Yes, I am leaving you hanging and I apologize about that, but this is a blog not an online novel. That and I do actually have a day job. I am pretty sure blogging does not qualify as a reason to ask for a day off.
I will post part 2 tomorrow night so until then my friends.